


live through this

by orphan_account



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-18 21:16:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9403157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: i made my bed i lie in it / i made my bed i die in it





	

**Author's Note:**

> a disclaimer
> 
> pete has borderline personality disorder, schizoaffective disorder, adhd, and ocd.
> 
> patrick has ptsd from childhood sexual abuse and he is a teenage alcoholic.
> 
> ryan has depression, brendon is anorexic, vicky is bulimic, and lindsey has psychotic depression.

might last a day, mine is forever

everything is kind of purple-pink with little bits of blue when he meets sandy blond patrick. he is maybe ??nervous?? but pete can never tell. he has a whole hand in bandages. little drops of maybe-blood decorate the gauze. 

he hasn’t seen him yet but he first heard talk of New Boy last week. that means he was in withdrawal which means he’s an addict which means he’s probably feeling sicksick. 

pete feels bad so he goes up to patrick (his name is patrick because the nurse said “its okay patrick youre okay” like that was true) and asked “what are you withdrawing from?”

patrick looks at him and bites on his nails and shrugs like he doesn't know.

“it’s probably alcohol because you’re in the teen ward and that's what theyre always withdrawing from.” 

he nodded. “what’s wrong with you?”

pete smiled bigger than he naturally did, forced and huge. the only way he could smile anymore. “im the one with no soul.”

\-----

i lie and lie and lie

among pete’s many problems (schizoaffective disorder, borderline personality disorder, adhd, and ocd) he decides that what he hates the most is his insomnia. 

he figured that because he has no soul (the devil took it) that god is punishing him with no sleep. just enough to live, never enough to be ??happy??. 

his roommate ryan sleeps constantly because he’s depressed and when pete isn't trying to steal the sleep from ryan because he can do that, he gets jealous. 

he wishes to die so he can finally rest. at night, over and over he whispers, “suck me under, maybe forever.”

\-----

like a liar at a witch trial

pete sneaks food for the anorexics in the ward when he can because they always create distractions so pete and patrick can touch hands without a nurse saying no touching. the anorexics never told, because they knew they’d get it right back.

one day, patrick was faking a cold so he didn’t have to face ryan after the had an argument in  
group so pete decided it would be a good day to “help them out.”

it was usually brendon, who was a regular with pete. this week, he had a carton of milk that pete knows brendon wants him to knock back. so pete drinks all of his and switches it with brendon’s full carton when the staff is distracted. 

apparently, not distracted enough.

soon enough, pete sees ms. weekes glare at him and march towards him from across the cafeteria. she was one of the nurses. not pete’s favorite. he wasn't her favorite either.

“pete,” she said, “go to your room immediately. you just had one on one privileges revoked.” 

one on one means that he could go places with one nurse, not two or three like the others. he groaned. he worked hard to get to one on one. 

to try and win some favor, he smiled weakly. “you look good for your age, ms weekes.”

\-----

wild eye rot gut do me in

pete and patrick are sitting on the couch in the tv room, staring at the tv, when patrick moved to pete’s ear and said, “would you ever do something i didn’t want to do?”

pete shrugged. “i dont have a soul. i dont know what i’d do. and i dont even know what you’re talking about.”

a look flashed on patrick’s face like it always did when pete said that he has no soul. “no. like if i didn't want to have sex and you did, would you make me?” 

“no,” pete said, feeling sad and squirmy. “not that, never that.”

they were quiet.

“did someone do that to you?”

patrick was shaking a little. “she was my babysitter. i was six.”

pete felt so heartbroken for him that he ignored the no touching rule and threw his arms around patrick’s waist. “i swear that i would die for you.”

\-----

sleeping with the enemy

pete is so tired of his therapist, of everyone, telling him that he has a soul. 

because he knows it. he does. he’s known for maybe two years but he’s never sure because his brain blends time and everything and spits it out into his mouth. his therapist says that’s because of the schizophrenia. 

his therapist calls it a delusion, which is boring and not true. patrick calls it wrong, which is better and still not true. everyone else calls it weird.

once ryan, in one of his few non-sleeping moments, asks how he knows.

“i know it, i can’t feel it,” pete said, “well, i know it enough to believe it.”

\-----

bad skin, doll heart

patrick becomes a desired figure among the teen residents of the psych ward.

how could he not? he’s cute, nice, and he listens to people when they talk. it makes pete want to bite, scratch, and kick. patrick is pete’s, only pete’s, his. 

but patrick doesn’t seem to have eyes for anyone but pete. this is simultaneously infuriating and liberating for pete. he wants patrick to flirt so he can get mad. he doesn't so he can feel loved. 

patrick seems pretty aware of how wanted he is. he tries to delegate his time equally, chatting up brendon about the cafeteria food because that’s all  
he talks about, asking vicky about music, etc. 

the table that used to be him pete and brendons attracts more visitors. sometimes, pete wants them to just leave so he can have patrick to himself, tie him up and keep him in his basement in the best way.

one day, pete leans into patrick and whispers, “they really want you, but i do too.”

\-----

look a dealer in the eye

one day, in group, they talked about what they all planned to do when they got out.

pete hadn’t really thought about that before. he figured he’d be in there until he died. no land existed beyond those walls. but when he did, he started thinking about non-hospital people.

the girl he had a crush on, the guy who gave him weed in exchange for a handjob, his siblings who visited rarely. his school, which always seemed to tower above him. a hallucination. 

vicky said that she really wanted to ask a boy out that she had liked for two years before the hospital. she had been staying for maybe two weeks. not severe enough where she would be too missed. 

pete tried to erase going back from his mind. he’d been gone for four months. 

ryan said he didn’t give a shit and let out a yawn. 

brendon said that he really wanted to be a hairdresser when he was older. then ryan said that he should be a food critic instead and brendon got mad and started crying and ryan had to leave.

patrick said he wanted to be a musician. pete knew this, and he always said that he wanted to hear patrick play. there were no instruments in the ward, and they couldn't bring anything in.

lindsey went logical, saying that she’d be outpatient, then she’d go back to school or maybe be homeschooled. she was leaving the next day. pete wasn’t jealous. 

when they got to pete, he thought for a second. 

“go for credit in the real world, i guess.”

\-----

all your milk is sour

two days after she left, lindsey makes an entrance again, kicking and screaming just like last time. 

patrick says that she says she’s psychotic, which is like pete but not that bad. he said it’s likely that she’ll be fine tomorrow, even, maybe just didn’t take her meds. if pete doesn't take his meds he tries to slit his own wrists or talk to god by drowning himself, so he gets it. 

as she is held down by orderlies moving her, she screams, “burn the witch! just bring me back her head!”

\-----

we are the same, we are the same

pete thinks to ask patrick about who he was before the hospital two weeks into patricks stay. he’s afraid patrick might have to leave soon, but he keeps refusing medication and hitting grown people who touch him.

“um, i wasn’t really anybody.” he said, shrugging and staring at the tv. “i was uninteresting. i drank every night and sometimes in the day. i got okay grades because i could never focus. boring stuff.”

pete couldn't believe that because patrick was the love of his life, he thinks. though they aren't dating necessarily because someone would find out and tell on them. patrick could never be boring or uninteresting. 

“i dunno. you’re the only person who’s ever seemed interested in me.” patrick said finally, looking around pete’s knees. “and you’re cool.”

pete laughed. “i’m not cool. i certainly wasn’t in school.”

patrick shrugged. “you play sports. sports equals cool.”

he had forgotten about soccer. had the team replaced him? forgotten about him? he had no idea. they didn’t ever like him. 

“geeks do not have pedigrees,” pete said, briefly touching patrick’s leg. “or perfect punk rock resumes.”

brendon, who was sitting on the chair next to them, muttered “or anorexic magazines.” 

\-----

rose up in my head

pete wakes up all wrong. 

it looks normal, ryan is in the bed across the room, there’s nothing out of place. but he feels weird. and not even his normal weird. the clock says that it's 9:57, which means wake-up time is in 3 minutes. pete decides to investigate. 

he slowly opens the door, because ryan is a light sleeper, and creeps into the hall. doors, doors, doors. the tv room gaping beyond the hall. a nurse walks by and doesn’t see him. 

there’s a skinny window to look into each bedroom. it’s for the nurses, even though they come in to do checks. pete peeps into the first beside him and ryans room, which is lindsey and vicky. lindsey was awake, picking at the edge of her pajama pants, while vicky slept.

the next was frank’s room. frank never left the room, and if he was forced for more than a few seconds, he bit. he was sleeping.

the final one was patrick and brendon’s room. his eyes just met the level of the window when loud voice asked, “what are you doing out here?”

he turned, and it was his therapist, mr. toro. he was smiling, a pencil stuck behind his ear.

“something is wrong.” pete said dumbly. “i have to find out what.”

mr. toro looked at his watch. “it’s almost time for everyone else to wake up, you’ll be fine. let’s go back to your room so you can get dressed.”

he phrases everything gently, but he meant business. so pete went.

ryan was awake, for once, rubbing his eyes and yawning. “does something feel weird to you?” pete asked, going to grab his hairbrush.

ryan looked at him curiously, then smiled evilly. 

“oh, don't ya know?” he asked. “patrick left early as shit this mornin’.”

pete felt like he was going to die. 

he immediately stormed out of his room, fully awake as his fellow patients stumbled sleepily and walked right up to an orderly, mr. hurley.

“why didn’t you fucking tell me patrick left?” he didn’t care about getting taken off one-on-one. he got in mr. hurleys face and poked his chest, hard. “why didn’t anyone fucking tell me?”

he grabbed pete by his shoulders, which he was allowed to do, and told him to calm down. that made pete mad. that made pete ballistic. 

he woke up strapped to a bed, not really knowing what happened. his head hurt. he always blacked out when he got mad. 

all of his memories hit him at once and he was left struggling and screaming, “where is my baby?! who took my baby?!”

\-----

sleep with me, wake up alive

pete misses him so much, nothing else matters. 

he trudges through the hallways, snapping at anyone who dares speak to him and pulling out his hair, a nervous habit. 

the only words he’ll say besides, “shut up,” “fuck off,” and “eat shit,” are to his therapist, who he asks why they would take patrick from him.

one day, his therapist says he’s unhealthily dependent on patrick for happiness. he says that it’s part of one disorder or the other, a nonsense jumble that pete doesn’t give a shit about. 

they have a discussion about it, and his therapist said he’d love to satisfy pete but bringing patrick back in is not the way to do it.

pete, in his anger, stands up and drops his pants. standing in his boxers. “you’d love to satisfy me? huh? do it.”

the therapist covers his eyes and tells pete to put his pants back on.

“gutless,” pete spat, “you’re gutless.”

\-----

make me real

patrick comes to visit pete a week after he leaves. pete has never been so happy. 

“hi!!” he says, bouncing on a chair in the visiting room. it’s just patrick and him, which is exciting. they never got that opportunity.

patrick is so beautiful, smiling at him dumbly. 

“how’s school been?” pete starts asking. “have friends? are the teachers mean? what cla-”

patrick starts giggling and puts a hand up. “lemme answer at least!”

he nods, composes himself. “so,” he asked semi-calmly, “how was school?”

patrick leaned into him, gesturing for him to come closer. he leaned in, cupped his hand around his mouth and pete’s ear and said, “everyones the same.”


End file.
